Do you ever get the feeling that though time has past and, truly, things have changed, nothing really has changed? I get that ironic and rather nonsensical feeling often. Especially right before my birthday. It's only a few days now. I'm waiting for a panic attack to come. What else is new? 

It's not that I'm afraid to turn a year older and turn a new leaf. That has never been my issue. I must admit though that even back when birthday parties were all about blowing candles, hitting pinatas and balloons covering every breathing space, I just never particularly enjoyed celebrating my birthday. Yep, I was that grumpy child who had to force a smile when cameras went click-click. (Think Chandler from Friends during the engagement photo shoot.) It just always seemed like such a great imposition on everyone to celebrate the day of my birth. As if thousands of infants aren't being born every single day. 

So, do you see? Even as a mere duckling I have thought of myself as an imposition... Fast forward to today and I still think that way. Mind you, I don't think I'm a waste of space, but I still just don't like my birthday. My point is this: Your thoughts colour how you perceive the world and how the world perceives you. I'm definitely not a perfect example of a reformed saint. Very far from it. I can just hear some friends chuckling in the background, knowing all too well that I let all the bad thoughts in my head stain my being. The kind of colour that doesn't wash out. This isn't kid-friendly Crayola washable markers. It's more like permanent paint. Careful to paint within the lines.

What else am I trying to say here? I do realise. I know my faults. I know what I must do. And though it seems I'm not working on it, I really am trying to change the way I think. Reduce the amount of negative, blatantly confidence-crushing, utterly harebrained, totally pointless noise in the head. The fluff that I let grow and grow for no apparent reason but to trigger panic attacks. Enough with anxiety. I can't live through another night on my cold bathroom floor gasping for air, tugging on the flimsy threads that keep my happiness intact. For the last five days, I've started to meditate. Only 10 minutes each day. When rain clouds dampen my mood/thoughts, I bring it back to my little practice. How good it feels to quiet my ever busy, super persuasive brain. That silence, though. It's like finally finding the remote and switching off the telly. Just pure beauty. 

At this point, five paragraphs deep, you might be asking yourself when does the darn recipe start? I'm getting to it, okay? We might as well get to it because... let's be honest, sometimes even just typing is exhausting. (FYI, this recipe is pretty much a mash up of my vegan carmelitas (for the crust) and my gluten-free apple blondies because, ya know, I like to recycle.)



Vegan Gluten-Free Apple Crisp Squares
Makes 9-12 squares

Crust Ingredients:

• 1 cup gluten-free oat flour
• 1 1/4 cups gluten-free oats
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• Pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup coconut sugar
• 3/4 cup coconut oil, melted

Apple Topping Ingredients:

• 4 apples of choice, peeled and chopped into chunks
• 1/3 cup water
• 2 tbsp coconut sugar
• 2 tbsp maple syrup
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• 2 tsp tapioca powder
• 2 tsp lemon juice or apple cider vinegar

 

Preheat oven to 350 F. Line a regular square pan with parchment paper. 

 

In a medium bowl, cream together coconut sugar and melted coconut oil. Then add all remaining ingredients for the crust and mix until well combined. 

 

Pour half of the crust mixture into the prepared pan. Bake for 10 minutes. 

 

As the crust is baking, mix water and chopped apples in a pan over medium heat. In a small bowl, mix all remaining ingredients except for the maple syrup. Once the apples are a bit tender, pour the mixture and then the maple syrup. Stir until the mixture thickens. Remove from heat to avoid softening the apples too much. 

Once the crust is done, pour the apple mixture on top and then add the remaining oat mixture. Spread evenly. 

Bake for another 30-35 minutes. Let cool on a wire rack before slicing.

Enjoy! xx (With vegan vanilla ice cream would be better!)