"Be soft. Do not let the world make
you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal
your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may
disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
- Kurt Vonnegut
2016. There's only a few hours now before we turn to a new page, change the calendar and mark the beginning of 2017. Tic-toc. Is there anything you want to achieve before 2016 officially bids adieu?
One last blog post for me this year because, as humans, we like that, don't we? Squeezing in one last act before the clock strikes midnight. It makes us feel like we've ticked off one more box, one more from our to do list with crossed out. BUT, remember this, you don't need a new year or a birthday or the beginning of a new month/week to start living, to put into action all of your big plans. NOW is the time (perhaps all of my readings made me feel a wee bit more optimistic).
In all honesty, I knew this year would bring forth painful experiences for me, but to see the state of the world now, I didn't quite expect this. After almost two of years of suffering from cancer, my dad passed away in February. I now know how it feels to have the ground crumble from under you. To be unable to breathe as if you're drowning under water. Part of me felt relief because finally, my dad didn't suffer anymore. Another part of me wanted to scream and shout and kick. But you know what, as heartbreaking that was, I learned to pick myself up. It took many sleepless nights and heavy mornings. Cup after cup of coffee. Junk food. Miles of running. Comedies. Sad songs. Pages of writing. Crying. I thought I've outcried myself already. Getaways. Panic attacks. Surprisingly, not a lot of alcohol. My liver rejoices.
Fast forward to today and I still find myself in tears when I remember a happy memory, a painful incident or a funny anecdote of my dad. I still can't listen to Edith Piaf's "La Vie en Rose" because that was our song. How Sabrina of us. But I'm beginning to believe there's still beauty in the world, no matter how thick the layer of sadness that envelopes it.
"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
- Samuel Beckett
If we've worked together before, you would've been aware of my frustration career-wise. All the long hours, sleepless nights and early mornings, and for what? I was bitter, much more bitter than strong black coffee. It was unhealthy and toxic. Can you imagine just talking sh*t about your job 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 12 months of the year? Can you imagine breaking down every few weeks or so in front of your parents? Or even that one time you cried so suddenly from exhaustion in the subway? To say it was terrible would be understating the whole situation.
Partly because of my loss, I had to see a shrink for a while and we worked out (and though it really wasn't a big surprise to anyone) that I needed to say adios to my job. It was time to let go of something that was robbing me of any happiness left in my life.
But I don't just quit anything without first attaining my goal. In this case, I didn't even know what my goal was professionally. So, I just left with a lot of anxiety in my heart and the fear of the unknown. I found something else and like a dog that has been left out in the cold to starve, it surprised me how nice and understanding my new corporate environment turned out to be. Am I happier? 100%. Do I have my professional future all planned out? Not at all. Will I figure it out? Definitely, step by step. And if I don't by tomorrow, no sweat.
*Disclaimer: I will give credit where credit is due. I'm still grateful for my old job for strengthening my critical thinking, management skills and Excel superpowers.
"You have this one life. How do you wanna spend it? Apologizing? Regretting? Questioning? Hating yourself? Dieting? Running after people who don't see you? Be brave. Believe in yourself. Do what feels good. Take risks. You have this one life. Make yourself proud."
Another lesson from 2016: Don't apologise and let people walk away. To all the young 'uns out there, know this: The older you get, the smaller your close friend circle gets. You had a whole gang of friends before? You're lucky if you can honestly say that your squad is made up of four people as you age. It's okay. Life happens. People get married or move away or go through life transforming experiences. Or simply, people can decide you don't suit them anymore. And that's never your fault. It happens.
I blamed myself whenever a friendship ended... But I learned that though I'm not perfect, I was still a good friend. I was crawling in muck and was being swallowed whole by quicksand and I still made time to listen to people's woes. Sure, I may have missed a few birthdays here and there, but I was there to listen about people's problems and heartbreaks. There was only so much left of me I could give. I'll try harder, but I'm only willing to give as much as I get.
Another lesson from 2016: Say no to dieting, and yes to healthy living. Because of all the emotional eating from my old job, I gained more than 15 pounds and had to shop for looser clothing. My wallet cried. The emotional eating stopped when I felt stable professionally, when I let my heart be less wary. Exercise no longer felt like a prison. It was freeing. There are still a number of "I feel fat" days, but I don't feel guilty for the extra piece of cake. Let's just say all the cakes and chocolate I consumed this year were a source of delicious joy, not to escape my nightmares.
"We need women who are so strong they can be gentle, so educated they can be humble, so fierce they can be compassionate, so passionate they can be rational, and so disciplined they can be free."- Kavita Ramdas
The current state of women's place in the world breaks my heart. We, as women, have come so far, yet in some cases, we've also stepped back. You would think that with all the bevy of educated women produced by today's top colleges and more women in the workforce, there will be more boss women. But no, sexism exists and in some places, rules. I'm opinionated and no, I'm not afraid to shut down sexist ways of thinking, even if it means a guy will never call me back (good riddance) or being a lone wolf with my opinion (sometimes I'm all I need for a party anyway).
Don't back down, women. And for you men out there, try imagining yourselves in our place. Wear our (high heeled) shoes once in a while and see the world in our eyes. But, overall, don't stop learning. Don't stop questioning. Continue evolving for the better.
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